Oh and.....

My father is in hospital. He's 89 has COPD (cardiac obstructive pulmonary disease) which basically means his lungs are shot to pieces and has been for the last two weeks. It hasnt helped that he's in the hospital that was splashed all over the news the same week and also admitted to the same ward, the alledged nurse worked on. He's biligerent at the moment as he's bored, his oxygen levels are squiffy so he sees things like walls moving and objects that are not there. In the last 2 weeks according to him, he's
1. Been drinking in Didsbury
2. Propostioned by prostitutes
3. Been in a court martial
4. Wanted to kill half the ward as they're the enemy
5. Been out with my mum (who died in 2006)
6. Accused me of stealing his clothes.
7. Ignored me, then called me, then shouted he loved me.
8. My ex has visited (as if!)
9. Punched my childrens father (I wish)
10. Smoked!!
Tomorrow they're deciding whether he goes back into the home he left the last time in hospital (in june) to live in as we can no longer look after him in the way he needs to be. But it depends on whether his sats have settled and also if the oxygen they're installing at the home and what he will have to be on for 16hrs a day has been delivered. As a smoker for over 70 odd years, I give it 6mnths.

Life's a bowl of cherries and i've got the stones!

Its August and I dont know whether i'm single or not! The love of my life has decided he wants time on his own and its devastated me. I wouldn't mind if this was a flash in the pan thing, but i've known him for nearly as long as my son has been on this earth and suddenly he's ill(I have no idea what's wrong as he hasn't told me) and he wants 'to be on my own atm'. Its sent me in total limbo! I cried for a week, I screamed for another, I mulled over what i'd done wrong for the next and now i've accepted this is to be, but not a day goes by without me thinking of him. Damn this love business, i've heard of a 7 year cycle and if the problem isnt resolved in that cycle then the next break pales into significance in terms of pain at the following one! This nearly shattered me to be honest and there is nothing I can do about it, but sit and wait it out.
I dont want to hit the dating scene as:
a) I dont consider myself to be single (as my heart says you're not!)
b) It bloody well frightens me to even think about meeting someone else!

My love life has always been chequered. A rape victim at 15 & 17 (who told nobody about either) I changed like a chameleon over the years, trying to be whatever someone else wanted me to be. A 5 year relationship with an alcoholic/gambler then a decade with another alcoholic (whose only saving grace was giving me 2 beautiful kids) then a spell with a ptsd ex soldier took its toll. Finally I find peace with loml after being very unsure about opening up again but I bit the bullet, remembered the saying 'A heart needs to be broken....open' and gave it my all.
Now i'm shattered again and its taking its toll trying to glue the pieces back together again... Question is do I wait (he still texts' me and keeps in touch) or do I dip my toe into that ocean even though I cant summon the courage to doggy paddle let alone swim? Decisions, decisions.....

Hug the cook..cos she's as fragile as a meringue at the moment!!

I don't know why at 48 i've decided to do this, but sometimes I just need to talk to someone or something other than the rabbit or a brick wall and probably share my thoughts..If no one reads its i'll survive,its just the ramblings of a single woman with two kids and one headache!