Its August and I dont know whether i'm single or not! The love of my life has decided he wants time on his own and its devastated me. I wouldn't mind if this was a flash in the pan thing, but i've known him for nearly as long as my son has been on this earth and suddenly he's ill(I have no idea what's wrong as he hasn't told me) and he wants 'to be on my own atm'. Its sent me in total limbo! I cried for a week, I screamed for another, I mulled over what i'd done wrong for the next and now i've accepted this is to be, but not a day goes by without me thinking of him. Damn this love business, i've heard of a 7 year cycle and if the problem isnt resolved in that cycle then the next break pales into significance in terms of pain at the following one! This nearly shattered me to be honest and there is nothing I can do about it, but sit and wait it out.
I dont want to hit the dating scene as:
a) I dont consider myself to be single (as my heart says you're not!)
b) It bloody well frightens me to even think about meeting someone else!
My love life has always been chequered. A rape victim at 15 & 17 (who told nobody about either) I changed like a chameleon over the years, trying to be whatever someone else wanted me to be. A 5 year relationship with an alcoholic/gambler then a decade with another alcoholic (whose only saving grace was giving me 2 beautiful kids) then a spell with a ptsd ex soldier took its toll. Finally I find peace with loml after being very unsure about opening up again but I bit the bullet, remembered the saying 'A heart needs to be broken....open' and gave it my all.
Now i'm shattered again and its taking its toll trying to glue the pieces back together again... Question is do I wait (he still texts' me and keeps in touch) or do I dip my toe into that ocean even though I cant summon the courage to doggy paddle let alone swim? Decisions, decisions.....
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